Celebrity New Year’s resolutionsaren’t just boring, they’re usually unrealistic. They never say the things they REALLY need to resolve, instead they get cute saying they “need to get more sleep” or “spend more time with family.” Celebrities should be real with their fans and say they’ll resolve to do things that matter like “not have unprotected sex” or “not drive with a suspended license.”
So to give them some direction we’ve suggested ten celebrity New Year’s Resolutions for 2011 that should make it a Happy New Year for all.
Compete in the Slam Dunk Contest for crying out loud. You already faked out the fans in 2009 by saying you’d do it in 2010 then you fronted. You won’t be taking home an NBA championship just yet but a Slam Dunk Championship will be a nice feather in the cap and will help rebuild some of the good will you lost with fans outside of Miami in 2010.
Get married. Not seriously, because we know that Wayne can’t be monogamous to save his life. But a staged promotional “Marriage to the music” would be a great promo move for Weezy/ Nicki Minaj can give him away a week before the release of The Carter IV. Oh, and stay out of jail or this suggestion could get REALLY awkward.
Call your daughter. Obviously you pulled some strings to make she-who-will-not-be named go away quietly. But you know part of that was your fault. Spend 2011 repairing that relationship so young girls will no longer think that “Yeezy Taught Me” is a mantra to live by.
Come out already. Posing on the cover OUT magazine and saying “boys are yucky” don’t cut it, especially when folks still think that’s you in the video saying you made a snack box out of Remy Martin. You could be the sexiest hip-hop lesbian out. Shoot, you’d be the ONLY hip-hop lesbian…out. Besides, we’d all like to get on with our lives and focus on things that really matter, like your battle with Lil Kim.
Queen Bee, there is only one thing you need to do in 2011—put out a dope album. We know you can do it, cuz you’ve done it before, but your last couple have been meh. The best way to shut down the rookie is show her you still have it. Get focused and call D-Dot, Pow Low Da Don, Traxster, Will.iam or whoever you need to get you some heat and get Jadakiss to write the album for you. And umm…make sure your boobs pop out a couple more times for good measure.
Drizzy had a great 2010 dropping a stellar debut and shutting down concerts across the country but you’re getting a rep for being softer than Church music. Ladies love you, girls adore you but even Rihanna was punkin you in interviews. Rumors of Lil Wayne punching you were believable even if not true. We’re not suggesting you go out and commit a crime for street cred, but you need to get back to your acting roots and land a roll where you kill a guy or three. Give Common a call cuz he seems to get those thrown at him left and right.
With the whole world singing the praises of his Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy Kanye needs to simply keep his promise and not do any interviews for at least a year. We know that a tour promoting the album is coming as well as the Watch The Throne EP with Jay-Z. A drama free 2011 supported by great music would be a welcome respite from his ego tripping. Then he can go back to being the douchebag we all know and love in 2012. The world will be flooding anyway.
Hov had a pretty interesting 2010 to say the least. From releasing his book of rhymes “Decoded” to fending off verbal assaults from MC Hammer and DMX it was never a dull moment for Jay-Z. But for 2011 Jay needs to take the focus off of himself and get J.Cole and J Electronica albums out to the fans that live up to their respective potential. His tenure as Def Jam’s President was blemished by complaints from artists like LL Cool J that he was only good at promoting himself and this is the perfect opportunity to prove them wrong.
Rihanna and Keri Hilson
These two need to just do a song together with a wonderfully scandalous video. We don’t need a whole album, just a collab with an oversexed viral visual so that we can once and for all prove that you’re not the same person. We recommend Real 3D to handle all of that long-legged womanhood.
Karrine “Superhead” Steffans
Take your own advice and Find, Seduce and Keep a man who won’t choke you out and whip you with a belt…(unless you ask him to). And stay off of Youtube talking about said ex. That’s why your wins loooow.