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Chris Brown:

Caught walking out of his home, Chris Brown is thrown in a full-nelson and dragged into a nearby alley where he’s told: “Unless you want to feel a man’s mouth this close to the back of your neck and ear ever again, you’ll do exactly what I say. You’ll be investing in a home studio to avoid Frank Ocean. You will begin writing songs about loving women and doing anything for them so you can out-Drake Drake. When you get home, Ashanti will be waiting in your living room. No one wants her so there’ll be no conflict and she’ll do anything to stay in the lime-light. You will cease all gang-related lingo because using it only makes you look dumb when you say you can’t understand why you’re treated like the bad guy. Otherwise you’ll be locked up with an inmate named “Mother Bear” who’s an expert in holding his roommates just like this. Clear?

GIF of Chris Brown Crying

Kanye West:

Bound and gagged in the truck of a Lamborghini, the hood opens and bright lights shine in his face. “Here’s what’s going to happen Mr. West. You will first hire a maid and cleaning staff to take out the trash for you at 4am. A press conference has been scheduled where you will announce that through a series of yoga sessions, decaf treatments and etiquette classes (all of which you WILL enroll in immediately,) you’ve become a calmer person to talk to and after a long conversation with a priest you and Kim will be leaving Kris Jenner’s home and renaming your daughter something other than a direction.

kanye west I'm the best

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