As my readers already know, I recently wrote an article on 10 Types of Women to Avoid that got me in a lot of hot . “Misogynist”, “pig”, and “@$$hole” were some of the kinder labels some readers gave me. Well, those comments annoyed me as I thought them unfair since I am an all around great guy. Really.
After going into hiding, avoiding the small controversy that erupted at various sites, I am now back and ready for the next round of outrage. Frankly, I thought my article was brilliant and I am not going to be silenced by all the stupid femiNazis out there. I figure if you didn’t like the article, it was probably cuz it was talking about you!
Well, I had committed in the Women to Avoid article that I would write about Men to Avoid. I really regretted suggesting I would do that as it was almost impossible to find male dolls that were not “adult”, and I really did not enjoy looking at all the stupid looking adult male dolls (…and yes, I may someday do an article on them if I can get it through our censors). It only took me about a week of scouring the net to finally realize that dolls for men are called “action figures”. Duh!
So here’s my dating advice on the 10 Types of Men You Need to Avoid, as highlighted by dolls, I mean male action figures:
10. Men Who Are Always Pissing On Everything:
You know the type; for him nothing you do is good enough. You’re too stupid, you’re too fat, you’re too mouthy. Well, the truth is the guy is an idiot trained from birth from his Neanderthal dad to piss all over you and everything you do. Avoid him like you would a pounding headache.
9. Men Who Are Damaged and Like It:
He’s the guy that seems so sensitive and caring when you first meet. He’s able to share with you the heartbreak of a broken relationship. You only find out after a few more encounters that he’s still nursing a broken heart from the relationship he had with someone over ten years ago.
You slowly realize that he’s not so much heartbroken but already committed to never caring about someone again. No matter how much time you spend together, you can never get through. Face it, you never will. The padding around his heart (and his skull) is so thick a neutron bomb won’t pierce through it. So give up and get going. He’s like a drippy faucet that slowly wears you down with false hope until you just want to smash it. (See doll here.)
8. Men Who Love Sports Way Too Much:
There’s a fine line between a great guy who loves sports and the raging maniac that loves sports way too much. How can you love sports TOO much? men would ask in befuddlement. For most women, it’s obvious. A guy loves sport too much when they would rather watch a game than spend time with you.
I realize that ALL men fall into this category after several months of knowing you, but they will occasionally submit their whipped butts to taking you out or holding your purse as you shop, just to stop your fussing. But the sport fanatic won’t care that the house is falling apart, that the baby is crying or that you haven’t been out of the house in 4 months. All he’ll want is a beer, a TV and “some peace”. They are hard to tell apart from the normal healthy male but look out for the signs of obsession, or you’ll be stuck watching every lame game the sports channel has to offer and feeding his burping buddies as your friends go out to dinner and to see the hottest new movie every weekend.(See doll here.)
7. Men Who Thinks He Knows You:
These are the guys who think they are Freud. They spend all their time thinking and little time actually doing anything constructive. They have put a big label on you after one date and a night of conversation.
He’s the guy who sits there watching you, with that stupid smug “I knew it” look on his hound dog face. He’s clearly thinking that by putting a label on you, he has you all figured out and knows just what to do to fix you. He looks at you as if you were some broken piece of pottery he’s going to glue back together.
What’s sad is that he still can’t figure out how to get someone to actually like him, so how is he going to fix you?
6. Men Who Are Prettier Than You:
It’s one thing to date a sexy honey who looks like Brad Pitt, it’s quite another story to be with someone who makes you feel like a manly cow just by standing next to him. You know the type, don’t you? He’s the “metro man” who spends more time fluffing his hair just so and takes more time doing it than you would spend painting a barn door.
Ladies, the secret to feeling pretty and feminine is to never date a man that’s more beautiful than you and more delicate than you. So stop feeling like the turd that’s drying out in the sun, and dump the whiny narcissist. (See doll here.)
5. Men Who Think They Are Better Than You:
Have you met him? He’s all about feeling superior. Nobody is good enough for him. He has a laser sharp tongue and can shred anything in sight until it lies in tatters in front of him.
This cold dead fish is unable to break into a smile for fear of splitting his face. He simply takes comfort in feeling that he is better than everybody else. After spending enough time with this guy, you will grow to despise the human race as he does, and crawl around feeling unworthy. Throw him away like you would a mold-filled potato. (See doll here.)
4. Men Who Are Way Too Paranoid:
Something about these green-eyed goblins drives them to think you are cheating, even when you are with them.
They are the ones who seem so confident at first, flirting with you and attracted to your ability to flirt back. You date them and find they really don’t like your clothes (too revealing), your car (too flashy), your friends (sluts), your family (too nosy), your job (too demanding), until you wake up one day to find the only thing you have left in your life is a miserable paranoid weird violent man who can’t stand you out of his sight but can’t stand the sight of you. He needs you to have nothing in your life but him, and you will have nothing unless you wake up and get out.
3. Men Who Refuse to Grow Up:
Well, my opinionated wife says that if you need to avoid all men who are children, there would be no men to date. Haha. Not funny.
I mean other than the normal guy who wants to have his ego stroked constantly and only do what he wants to do , there are those guys who really are babies. Selfish, spoiled, useless little boys who don’t understand the concept of responsibility or self-respect.
These men are the ones who can’t keep a job, who blame everyone else for their own stupidity and laziness, who are constantly outraged that the world is not giving them the respect they deserve. Clueless, they never realize that they are in fact, getting the respect they truly deserve. Hanging around with this type of loser is like having 10 screaming kids hanging on your legs, asking for ice cream when you can’t pay for bread. Lock the doors, throw away his book of excuses and get a spine. Avoid him like you would a …blood sucking leech. (See doll here.)
2. Men Who Think Only With Their Sticks:
Well, as we well know, the streets to the courthouse are littered with broken marriages caused by men who think with their sticks and not their brains. They see something they want to poke and it does not matter if they have Halle Berry, Christy Brinkley or Pam Anderson, and their 2 kids, 3 dogs, and 4 fishes waiting at home. These men will do what they know they shouldn’t do, go get the forbidden poke.
It does not matter that you are the hottest thing since freshly baked pie, a man like this is going to give you a few diseases and mess up publicly right when you are being voted “Happiest Couple” at the Lodge. You know he’s the type to cheat as that’s how you got him from his first wife. Know that you got a weasel in your arms, and throw him away before he puts you on the front pages of the daily newspaper for murder.(See doll here.)
1. Men Who Are Cruel:
Simply put, there are certain men who are monsters hiding behind a thin veneer of charm and sanity.
There is nothing in the world as ugly or as damaging as a cruel man. For some reason, there are men out there who take only joy in seeing someone in pain (I don’t mean like in a dull headache kind of pain – I mean like a big kick in the nuts pain).
People say that it’s a power thing, but I know it’s a sickness thing. It’s sick to be you if you are with someone like him.
Don’t be distracted by the sexy grin or the bulging pecs (or bulging other stuff) on the outside. Look at the inside. Fire is beautiful but it hurts when you get burned. Stay away from these creeps as if your life depended on it, as it surely does. (See doll here.)
I hope everyone is satisfied now that I have fully shared my years of wisdom with both the men and women in the world who need some real advice about dating and relationships.
Can we now stop the name calling? I am not a sexist pig. I like to think of myself more as an astute observer who realizes that all women are royal pains in the @$$.